As I’m sat typing this I am eagerly looking out of my window for any signs of another snow flurry, whilst happily munching on white chocolate fingers…seeing as I cant go out …what a perfect excuse for a lazy day.
Yet lazy days weren’t always easy for me. I’m the sort of person who has to be on the go – all the time. I have to keep distracted, keep busy, try and keep focused, just to try and keep the ‘monsters’ at bay in my head. Even now, having nothing to do all day can cause a little bit of fear in me- a spark to my anxiety. Lazy days before consisted of not feeling worthy enough to get out of bed, feeling like I deserved to punish myself; yet hoping if I could just fall asleep so my day would go so much quicker and at last I would have respite from ‘my head’.
Today, I am 230 days clean from self-harm! And I feel like screaming it from the rooftops! But at the same time there is also a little part of me that makes me doubt if I will “never self harm again” and echo’s my fear of letting others down.
But, we all have that little doubting, nagging voice inside of us, or as a friend once called it our little “brain gremlins”. They try to put us down, make us feel like we are not good enough, that maybe we are a failure, that we don’t matter, that we are useless. But we have to fight back!!! self-harm can take over your life, its an addiction, a coping mechanism, a way of expressing how we feel, and sometimes It is the only way we know to cope. But you do have the power to recover; you do have the strength to fight another day of torment. You’ve got this far…and that’s pretty AWESOME!!!
Self harm can be such a huge scary secret that can feel like it over takes you, at first I thought self harm was my friend- it was there when I needed comfort, when I needed an outlet, when I was at the end of my tether…. but friends don’t control you!!!
Finding alternatives to self-harm can be a key part to recovery, I found a great website Here which is full of self-harm alternatives, depending on how you feel and the reasons why. I still find it really helpful to remember that self harm urges come and go like waves; as big as it feels when it hits you, if you can distract yourself, or sometimes for me it was just knowing that it would pass and holding out until it did.
The road to recovery is tough, and it’s a decision that only you can make, you will find strength that you never knew you had and there are people here to walk along side you cheering you on, people who will try and catch you when you fall. But that decision is yours and you are brave enough and strong enough to do this!
I also created a leaflet, which has useful info for friends/family as well as having useful websites and phone apps, which you may find helpful. You can download/view the leaflet HERE